Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Getting Married

I went to my mom's today during my lunch break to take a look at the quilt she is making for our wedding (Jake and I are getting married in the fall --major motivator for getting into shape!), which is a family tradition. I can say that now because my sister got married last summer and my mom made a quilt for her and Dave. The quilt layout is beautiful! And no, it is not paperclips and random office supplies like Veronica likes to dream. It's my all time favorite mountain landscape, a scene I've grown familiar with since childhood, and have a famous painting of in my kitchen. I loved it. I love the scene, the colors and the material patterns. It's going to be great and I hope our naughty cat (as opposed to our "pie maker" cat) doesn't shred it.

Then I happened to mention how Jake and I keep going round and around about how to celebrate with our out of town friends as well as local, yet more extended, friends and family. We're basically having a small wedding with just family, aunts/uncles, local and mutual friends. I think every single person on our list fits into one of those categories. In a way my mom was good at helping me brainstorm, but she ended up upsetting me by asking why we're getting married...and I didn't know how to answer. I knew I didn't like the question. She's always challenging me on the relationship front. She tells my sibs and me that she sees her role as one to challenge us on these choices, and then when it's all settled (which I think means, when the wedding is over) she'll be there to support us. So "challenger" now; "supporter" later. The thing is, I'd prefer a little of both now and later. I don't like the feeling of defending myself or my decision to marry Jake to her. It doesn't feel good. It feels soooo the opposite of being supported. Of course I also don't want a mother who goes along with everything and is ignorantly supportive.

It's been bugging me all afternoon. I shed a couple of tears on my drive back to the office. That only made me sleepier; I started the day off tired despite getting 8.5 hours of sleep. The tears I shed because I was frustrated having to defend Jake/me, not because I didn't have an answer. But why don't I have an answer? There is absolutely no good reason to get married today, unless simply you're a traditionalist, which is completely an ok reason. Am I a traditionalist? I don't think so. I do know I'd like to have a kid and I prefer the idea of being married to the coparent. I like committment, but if you're really committed you shouldn't need a document saying so...and even that document can be voided through divorce. Bottom line, I don't have a good answer but I know I want to marry Jake and I also know not a single thread of my DNA is afraid of it.

Hey, here's the positive thing though. Normally when my mom pisses me off I go straight to food! It's the one time that I truly am an emotional eater. She hurts my feelings. I eat. But today I just went back to work. I think I may have had a cup of herbal tea when I got back to my desk. Honestly, I did think about binging, but I didn't and it wasn't hard not to. That's only because I'm super focused right now because we're just starting our 2010 Life of Moderation. Hopefully by the next time she hurts my feelings I'll be well trained in Life of Moderation so I can rely on my new good habits.

...oh, by the way, I'm 201 today.

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