Friday, March 26, 2010

Part I: Veronica's Life List

1. Do the biking portion of a triathlon with my friends as teammates.
2. Become a savvy estate sale shopper.
3. Teach my children the importance of respecting animals and protecting their welfare.
4. Take karate and get at least my purple belt.
5. Find a nail polish which will stay on my nails for more than a day.
6. Learn to play three songs on the guitar
7. Become well versed in fine tequilas.
8. Mentor a teen mother.
9. Remember how to use the words "lie" and "lay" correctly.
10. Do a National Lampoon style road trip with my husband and children but without most of the craziness.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Another New Beginning

So, I don't really know what's going on but I'm back up to 200 pounds. I guess I'd lost seven pounds but now I've gained five back. The only times in my life I've ever really lost weight were a) just before I was diagnosed with leukemia and was prescribed loads of "skinny" meds to fight whatever disease they thought I had; and b) when I did weight watchers and boot camp last winter. Obviously, I don't plan to repeat the first method, although at the time it was pretty nice. But last winter I really did lose 15 pounds without thinking about it much at all. It wasn't even work for me. I just had rules and formed good habits and it took all the thought out of losing weight.

My mom, who I think is 66, just got back from about 10 weeks on and off of travel and has lost 23 pounds during the time that I lost seven and gained five. That amazes me for so many reasons. First, my mom has had enough experiences and challenges with weight loss to know that fad diets do not work (for her) so I completely trust that she is simply eating in moderation and being healthy and getting daily activity. So there's no secret to it. The straight forwardness and simplicity of it all IS the secret! Second, she was travelling almost the entire time and still managed to continue to lose weight and keep it off. For me, any change in schedule is an automatic trigger for failure. At the beginning of this month I got sick (we won't mention here HOW I GOT SICK!!) and then went to Florida for three days for a conference and my whole food/gym routine was entirely thrown out of wack and it's taken me two full weeks to reclaim my control. I purposely planned not to go on vacation this winter because I've learned that about myself, but I'm starting to realize the loss of control is something I allow to happen when my routine changes. Whereas my mom must be so committed to her habits that a change in routine will not destroy her. I could be like that, no? And finally, I'm impressed because aren't older people supposed to have a slowed metabolism and a tougher time losing weight? I should be able to do this, and I should do it now because it's only going to get harder and I don't want to be a totally fat bride however vain that sounds!

Challenges: metabolism-slowing medication; full time job; partner with full time job; nobody to cook healthy meals for me; no money for boot camp/personal trainer; gym is a 12 minute drive away.

Opportunities: flexible work hours that aren't too long either; no children to take care of; partner who I get to see every day who is very supportive; gym membership; affinity for healthy food; days are getting longer; wedding in seven months; Veronica's support.

So, the way I see it, I have real challenges, but my opportunity for success outweighs those very real challenges, so...I should succeed. =)

Also, I may try to join weight watchers for six months again like I did last year because I think it did help. There's a meeting at 7:30am at the gym I just joined so that would be very convenient. Today I was done with my workout by 7am, but I could time it just right so I'd be done at 7:20 and could go right to the meeting. And I wouldn't care that much that I'd be all bloated and full of water (from drinking while working out) because it would be the same situation every week. OMG and you know what? The meetings are on my old weigh in day! Perfect. So I'll start meetings this Thursday and blog every Thursday. I will really try to do that.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Running with Hog Warts

I have been wanting to take Warren to the local zoo for ages now and finally the weather cooperated. At ten o'clock this morning, I packed up The Boo (Warren) and all of us accouterments and head to the zoo. Of course we did not have the low 60 degree weather which has been taunting me from my office window. Instead we bundled up for the high 40's. Can someone please explain why Mother Nature tortures me with beautiful temperatures during the work week only to say "HA! You think you want warm temperatures for your weekend excursions? BOOYA! You get cold!" Mother Nature totally talks that way and don't you disagree with me.

Warren appeared to enjoy the zoo and smiled at the polar bears, laughed at the ducks, and giggled with the otters. However, those experiences did not top the ultimate zoo experience: having Mommy running full speed down the ramps while Warren laughed with excitement from his stroller. I think I have a Bode Miller in the making. Nothing topped the excitement of running full speed down a handicap ramp and taking the corners at full throttle. I am sure I looked like a maniac.

Our friends and their son eventually met up with us and we did one more lap around the zoo. This time Warren insisted on pushing his stroller, backwards mind you, up the hill from the tiger exhibit past the wart hogs and on to the hyenas. His little chubby legs worked hard as he made his way up the hill, with the help of me, of course. The delight in his eyes showed as each person walking buy cheered him on and smiled.

Eventually, Warren's mood began to sour and we headed for home. I barely had the car started when I looked back and he was sound asleep. The fresh air did him well.

So although I have not been exercising with any regularly at all...okay, I haven't been exercising period, I can see laps at the zoo being a potential way of getting some fitness in without being whiny or bored about it. That's me, not Warren. And then maybe I will move on to walks by the lake and perhaps a slow jog or a bike. Or not.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Oh hello there

It has been a long time since we last spoke but oh my... Although I continue to support Niels' decision to take a sabbatical overseas, the last month has been tough. From Warren's illnesses to my illnesses (both physical and mental, to some extent) to ridiculous amounts of work to petty office bullshit, I have been hip checked, glass checked, and slammed to the ice. Thankfully, my support network has been more than great, they have been grand. Josephine came down when I need her most and took care of my sorry sick ass by watching Warren and making me delicious healing food. Numerous friends stepped in while Warren was ill and watched him as I trudged to the drudgery that is my job. My lovely and delightful parents came a week early just to cook and care for their pathetic youngest daughter who coughed and whined and just needed some extra TLC. And work. What can I say? Some people are douchebags and others are some of the most fabulous folks with whom you can work.

I think I have reached the crest and with my therapist's blessing, I have reached out to friends and enjoyed some adult time. Part of me felt guilty enjoying time away from my little love and boy did I watch the clock, think about when I would reunite with my best little guy, but at the same time, I think I bought back a little sanity.

Poor Warren has suffered the sniffles and aches of toddler viruses spread easily from tyke to tyke. For many moments, I contemplated pulling him from daycare because my heart could not bear to see my boy be the slightest bit uncomfortable. We made it. He felt better and happy and when he returned to his little class on Monday morning he smiled and laughed and had no problem seeing me go. My boy is growing up. He changes so much but he is still my little love. He adores the cats and any chance he can he gives them sloppy kisses and hugs. And he hugs his stuffed animals and me and his teachers. He is one sweet boy.

And what about the purpose of this blog? Something about a decrease on my numbers? My jawline has returned, my pants are looser, and I feel pretty decent. However, I have no clue how much I weight. I know that two weeks ago the total weight loss was sixteen pounds.

Apparently not eating fistfuls of cookies really is a legitimate diet plan.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Writing Again

I haven't written in a couple of weeks because I was on the verge of feeling defeated about weight loss again. I've still been writing down everything I eat and going to the gym regularly, but I didn't want to get overly consumed by weight loss goals because I was afraid the more I focussed on it (including writing about it) the more frustrated I'd get. But at the same time I know it's important to be mindful about it almost all the time. So that was the balance I struck, but I'm feeling ok and like it's safe to write again. Tomorrow is weigh in day for me and I'll give an update then. I believe I can still hit my goal of 175 by 8 months from today --wedding day!

I'm really enjoying the gym. It's amazing to me how much I hate the idea when I'm not into the routine. But when I'm into it and my body is strong(ish) it's fun and feels good. My ipod konked so I got to get a new one. The new versions have radio so now I'm able to tune into the tv's. As much as I like going to the gym and exercising, I hate my actual gym. It's mega corporate and the staff is treated poorly. There are 7 treadmills that I really like. The dozen others are old and crappy and wobble when my MINUS 200 pounds tromps on them. (That's so strange; I'm sooo used to saying I'm 200lbs and I'm not anymore!). Of the 7 treadmills I like, 4 of them have been out of service "temporarily" for a couple of weeks. Then all of a sudden last week they stuck signs on the functional ones saying "these treadmills are designed for walking; please no running." Really?? Who the bleep designs a treadmill solely for WALKING?! Oh, and they go up to 12 miles an hour (I dunno anyone who can WALK a five minute mile. Do you?). AND they have a "run" function on them! So clearly the corporate gym just doesn't want to pay to keep repairing the garbage treadmills they purchased. And yesterday when I was there, only two of them were working. The other thing I hate about this gym is how at least once a week when I'm leaving and have to stand there at the counter waiting for the gal to retun my gym pass, which they hold hostage for the duration of my workout, she asks in her obnoxiously sweet voice "Do you have any friends who might like to join the gym?" I just tell them to have a good day, grab my pass and walk out. My feeling is: I'm here to work out, not do sales; that's their fucking job! I'm super looking forward to joining the community center gym when my two year contract to corporate city runs out April 22nd.

Friday, February 12, 2010

A Year Makes a Difference

A year ago at this time, Niels and I checked into the hospital for my cesarean section. It is amazing to believe that a whole year has passed since giving birth to Warren. And what a wonderful year it has been. I never knew what love, laughter, happiness, joy, and goodness one little boy could bring out of us. He is the light of my life. Each day I look forward to watching him grow, learn, and change. At first, I thought it would be sad to see him become a little boy, to watch him go from a toothless little infant to a smiley little boy; however, I was wrong. Each change brought new admiration in my eyes.

I am so proud of my little boy. He delights in music. Laughs at my gaffs. Loves like no other. He seems to have a greater understanding of his world than I could have ever imagined. Warren makes me want to be a better person, to grow with him.

I see the world in a new light. It cannot possibly be all negative. And I want to make everything around him beautiful and better. I wish for him to experience each day to the fullest with a smile on his face. Oh that smile. With the dimple and twinkle in his eyes. Like the Grinch, my heart grows every time I see that smile of his.

My dear boy, I love you more than words could possibly express. Happy First Birthday. You are my pride, my joy, my little man. I love you.

Friday, February 5, 2010

It's a long way away

Last Sunday Niels, Warren and I drove to Big City International Airport and sent Niels on his way for a twenty week sabbatical in Taiwan. Twenty. Whole. Weeks. Despite preparing myself emotionally, my heart broke as I watched him pass through the security gate. Because I had Warren and I had to drive over one-hundred miles home, I held myself together and only let myself cry in the car before we returned home. Fortunately, I had my dear sister and mother with whom to speak during my drive and Warren traveled like a season pro.

Thanks to Skype and our iPhones, we have been in constant communication. Warren loved seeing his daddy clap and talk to on the computer. He laughed and smiled and chatted up a storm. I felt comforted to see Niels settled into his room and ready to begin his work. Even though I miss him like mad, I am so exciting that he, that all of us, can have this experience. In just fourteen short weeks, Warren, my parents, and I will fly to Taiwan where my parents will stay for two weeks and Warren and I will help Niels finish off his sabbatical. I can't wait!

I cannot say this week has been super easy but it is not as bad as I thought it would be. After some bumps and stumbles, I found a morning schedule which appears to work for us. I have to admit, a few days I have been pretty exhausted and my concentration level is not spectacular. I think it will get better. Fortunately, Warren's former nanny, Maggie, is coming to the house twice a week to help out. And of course, Warren is such a sweet little boy so he makes everything so much better.

Now the bad new, my weight. I gain about three pounds. I am not going to beat myself up because it has been not the best week ever. I am refocused and hope to see those pounds drop again. Drop pounds drop!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

It's the Final Countdown

How can I not use an eighties hair band to title an otherwise glum post. First I will share the good news. I weight 181 pounds and I have lost a total of 13 pounds. Do not ask me how I did it. Apparently I am doing something right. Hopefully I will find myself below 180 but I am not being too optimistic. Warren is falling asleep without being rocked or nursed to sleep. This has been a big struggle and I am so proud of my little man. Plus, he is doing better sleeping through the night. In fact, he slept until 6:30 this morning. Shocking, I know.

Now it is time for me to be glum. Niels leaves for Asia on Sunday and will be gone for 20 weeks. Fortunately, Warren and I will fly out with my parents in May but still, 15 weeks is a long time for him to be away. It is an incredible opportunity for him. As a professor, it is an honor to be granted a sabbatical. On top of that, he was awarded a Fulbright fellowship to do research with a renowned professor in his field. Although it is an amazing experience for him, I can't help be sad. I don't feel sad for me, although I know I will miss him tremendously, but I will be sad for Warren and Niels. They have such an incredible relationship and I know it will be much harder for Niels than he realizes. Likewise, Warren love his Dada so much. They have their games, routines, and rituals that they both love. It hurts my heart to wonder how much Niels' absence will confuse and sadden my little boy.

That being said, my job is to lift up our spirits. Thanks to modern technology, we will use Skype to visit each night (well, morning for him). We can celebrate Warren's first birthday next month and when he reaches certain milestones in Niels' absence, I can share them with relative ease. I have projects that I want to complete and weight to lose and organization to accomplish. Warren is going to be a handful, I'm sure, as he enters toddlerhood. I'm sure when he begins to toddle, walk, and then run, my weight loss will increase exponentially!

The next few weeks, I might be sad and glum but I know I am going to make it and be just ok.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Jake on Board

I got pretty frustrated at the middle of last week because I hadn't lost any weight and it had been nearly three weeks. I know it's a slow process but I thought I'd be at least two solid pounds down at this point. It's true I haven't made that many changes. I eat well by nature. I like healthy food. The only dietary changes I made were that I stopped putting sugar in my tea, I halved the amount of fruit (sugar) I was eating, and I cut out the single slice of whole wheat flax seed toast I was having with breakfast.

I got Jake on board. He listened to me talk about this stuff for about two hours this weekend. He sat with me as I calculated the Weight Watchers points value for just about everything in the kitchen. Actually, do you know what he was doing while I was toying with the WW points scale? He was reading...yes reading...not merely Wedding magazing my sister got me! He was seriously looking at the dresses and reading the articles. He asked me what size I am at one point and then mentioned that there's a selection of dresses my size at X's line. Ha, it was so amusing.

So anyway, I've asked him to whoop me into action. He's going to get me up at 5am with him every morning. He's not going to let me talk him out of it. So I'll get up and go to the gym. And he's not going to let me ingest a thing (other than herbal tea) after 8pm Sundays through Thursdays. I'm going to write down everything I eat, everything, and go over it with him at the end of each day. He'll do something active with me on the weekends. In May he'll join the gym with me and work me out in the mornings. He's great at pushing himself; if he can figure out how to push me, he'll be a great trainer. Beginning in May he gets to work from home three days a week so we'll be able to coordinate our schedules better then. For now, he commutes five days a week to a town an hour and a half away...hence the waking up at 5am daily. It'll be interesting to meet the firm Jake.
Generally, he's so accommodating and agreeable. But I think this will be good. Fitness is one of his strengths. Shouldn't that rub off on me if I'm living with him? On the one hand I believe that, while I can gain support from othes, I can't depend on anyone else to make this happen. But, if I am going to have someone motivating me, shouldn't that be my life partner?

Last week I started going to the gym; it felt great. I only did three days, and all very light workouts. This week I'm prepared to pick it up a bit. This morning I jog/walked a 5k. (Veronica, I know we both hate running, but maybe we could find a 5k in your neck of the woods to do together this spring before you leave, just as a goal. We could take turns pushing the jog stroller.) Tomorrow I'll do a one hour cycling class. The one time in my life I ever did a cycling class I quit 15 minutes into it, I thought I was going to die. Wednesday mornings I tutor so no gym. Thursday I have boot camp; we'll do bodyweight exercises. Friday I have my fitness test and then I'll do light cardio. It should be interesting to see how I do on the fitness test (a series of tests and measurements) compared to last year's test around this time. Again, I'm not going to get overexcited for my weigh in this week (Thursday) because of the gym/muscle building this week. But by next week I really expect to see some new numbers on the scale.

Ok, two last things:
1. Didn't I mention that I had a free 6 month subscription to Weight Watchers Magazine and 4 month membership to meetings?? Well I can't find anywhere on the form where it mentions a 4 month membership. That's so bizarre because I really don't think that's the sort of thing I would have made up. And if I was going to misread it and make up a membership compenent, you'd think I would say that is 6 months, like the magazine subscription and not 4 months! I can't figure it out.

2. I tried on the wedding three piece outfit again and I thought it looked really nice. Ok ok I was wearing the undergarmet this time, but it totally wasn't uncomfortable and it looked realllly pretty! And I mean seriously, if I can lose 10lbs (just 10lbs!!) by mid October it would look amazing! I still need to get the jacket resized. It fits my back perfectly and my shoulders but it just will not button around my bust.

Have a great Monday!

...if you don't see me here again, you'll know I died fat at spin claas!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

This is the way to start my day!

The alarm went off at 4:57 this morning, and by 5:25 I was sitting in my toasty car with a cup of hot tea in hand outside the locked gym. Mo was there early too so she got in my car with her travel mug, exuding coffee aromas, and we chatted until the lights went on inside.

The girl at the front desk said that Debbie, our Boot Camp trainer, doesn't arrive until 6:00 today. Hmm. Either she hadn't gotten the message that we confirmed our 5:30 Thursdays training session or she thought we started at 6:00. I figured it was more likely the former since when I talked to her last week she made it very clear that her only available time slot would be 5:30-6:30am on Thursdays. Regardless, Mo and I headed over to the machines on our own. We sweat side-by-side for 35 minutes before going back to the front desk to investigate. Yep, Debbie didn't get the message, but it all worked out for the better because a) I got a light work out in (which is good for my first week back in 5 weeks); b) I still have 4 weeks of personal training ahead of me; and c) Debbie will now be available to meet at 6:00 which is sooooo much better as it will allow for propper PRIVATE poo time at home! This morning I had to do it at the gym...with Mo standing on the other side of the stall...talking to me. She's a yapper and highly entertaining. It's a fine trait in a gym buddy. Ok ok, I know I'm reminding Veronica uncomfortably of her husband right now, so I shall disist with the poop talk (for now!).

I got home with nearly TWO hours to spare before having to go into the office. And do you know what I did with that time? Did I wash the pile of dishes in the sink? Nope. Did I retrieve the blue box from the end of the driveway? Nope. I took a quick rinse, put on my pj's, climbed back into bed and read my Book Club book for an hour with a cup of steaming hot coffee and a black cat at my side. Then I got ready for work, played with both cats, made my lunch, ate breakfast, and read a couple of articles online. I'm enjoying my life of luxury before I bring home one of those Haitian orphans. Oh yes! I am so ready to scoop one up. Jake and I are planning a trip there this summer and I'll have to do everything I can not to sign on the dotted line.

...back to my morning. This was the way to start my day. Exercise with a friend and then quiet time at home alone. I feel like it prepared me for the day ahead and whatever challenges were thrown my way, including losing a blog post I'd spent 45 minutes writing (which yes, did happen this morning!). The morning left me with almost a post meditation sense of being. I'm going back to meditation this weekend. It's so good for me.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Thursday is weigh-in day. I weighed in at 202lbs, but that was after I consumed 32oz of water...granted, post poo.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Pants! They Don't Cut Off My Circulation!

Because Monday was a holiday and Tuesday was my Monday and I usually weigh myself on Tuesday, Wednesday is my Tuesday today, make sense? It did to me. Immediately after taking my shower, I gingerly stepped on the scale expecting a horror show. Perhaps a bucket of blood dropping on my head or an evil clown jumping from the numbers. But lo and behold, I surprised myself with unicorns and rainbows! My weight is now 186 and if y'all can calculate with me, that is a 3 pound loss for the week and a total of eight pounds since I began this weight loss extravaganza.

What am I doing right? I pack my lunch and eat what I have. I don't go out to lunch. I eat healthier breakfasts. I carry a very heavy 11 month old around. I let myself indulge but I do not go overboard. What else? Oh yeah, no more fistfuls of cookies.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Why Can't I Fast Forward My Weight Loss?

For some reason "fast forward" makes me think of betamax players and then that makes me think of Jane Fonda workouts and then I realize I am still fat. Oh well. I should be happy with my initial weight loss but yesterday I wore and dress, and can I tell you, the roles of fat on the side were not attractive. I could barely look at myself. Sigh. I suppose it motivates me not to eat badly. Tonight I am going out to dinner with some friends while Niels and Warren stay home. I looked at the menu in advance for two things: 1. the more reasonable items on the menu (trying to not spend so much money!) and 2. healthy foods. Unfortunately, it is an Italian restaurant so the menu includes a lot of pasta. Plus, I am a vegetarian so I am VERY limited in my choices. I will do the best I can and maybe I'll just have a liquid dinner and drink a bunch of wine! Kidding...sort of.

So Niels is leaving for sabbatical in two weeks and it is getting hard for me. Last night I cried myself to sleep without him hearing. During the day, I am pretty good but when I get reminders that yes, he is actually going to be over 6,000 miles away for 15 weeks, I become sad. Luckily, I have a fantastic little friend, Warren, and a lot of good friends in town who I know will be a great source of support. Next week I will have my new netbook and we will be ready to Skype every day once Niels has his internet set up. I can make it work. I know I can, but as always, it's the anticipation which is the worst. All I can do is take one breath at a time.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


As I mentioned yesterday, Thursdays will be my new weigh-in day. It's essentially been a week and a half and I've lost a pound. That's moving in the right direction, which is good, but nothing to celebrate just yet. It could be water weight.

You know that feeling of waking up thin? You could have a big belly and flabs all over but there are those days after you've been really good that you get out of bed in the morning and feel thin? Yeah, I don't feel that way this morning. We were so tired last night we almost ordered pizza (which I don't even really like) but we didn't; we ate leftover lentils, so at least I feel positive about that and not guilty. My mom has gotten down to 190 (9lb loss) after being mindful for 3-4 weeks. She exercises regularly. I don't think I'll have that "thin" feeling until I start exercising again next week. Jake says I pretty much always eat well and I just need to exercise more and harder. I think he's right. All my favorite foods are the right foods. Except for sugar (most often in the form of fruit, pasta and chocolate). He's right though. I haven't moved by body since I stopped going to the gym on December 12th.

Signing 200lbs.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

NY Times Must Eats!

Josephine shared with me this link which lists the Eleven Best Foods You Are Not Eating. I love ten out of eleven of those foods. Can you guess which one makes me gag when I think about eating it?

Boot Camp

Ok, first off, Veronica is an inspiration! She has a ton of excuses she could draw upon, yet she manages to succeed. This is so great. Congratulaions, congratulations on a solid start! I'm right behind you! I'm working hard, staying very committed (though I give myself only a 6 for last weekend --granted it would have been a measly 3.5 in the past!), but am not yet seeing results. Mayyyybe that's because I wasn't eating "fistfulls" of cookies before we started this new routine...or maybe it's simply because I haven't started exercising yet. Who's to say?

I talked to my gym buddy yesterday and called the trainer at the gym. We're going to start three months of boot camp, (or as many months as I have the disposable income and birthday money to afford). Our plan is to do 4 weeks with a trainer; 2 weeks on our own; 4 weeks with a trainer; etc. That should take us into the first week of May. That's how I lost 14lbs last year. So hopefully by then I will have lost another 15lbs, will be 185lbs, and clearly on my way to my October wedding goal of 175lbs. Also, my six month FREE Weight Watchers membership and magazine subscription begins at the end of January. I am armed with a plan and tools. The only thing we have yet to work out is whether we'll do one 1 hour boot camp session a week or two 1/2 hour sessions. We'd prefer the two 1/2 hour sessions because a) that would get us into the gym twice a week at a minumum; and b) we could focus on weights and toning with the trainer and meet up ahead of time on our own for cardio, which we don't need as much ass kicking for. Oh, and did I mention that boot camp is at 5:30AM?!

By the way, I've changed my weigh in day to Thursdays, so stay tuned for tomorrow's update. (Don't get too excited).

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Walking that Line

189! Ok, so that is not exactly a number to celebrate but I am pleased that I made it below the 190 level. I suppose you will lose weight if you stop eating fistfuls of cookies brought into work by the receptionist. Today I went to physical therapy for my decrepit lower back and I am already seeing improvements. The therapist thought I would return to normal and I have some cool exercises to do and tape on my back so I can see how crappy my posture is. Hopefully, I will see enough improvements in the next two weeks so I can return to the gym. In the meantime, you might find me on my office floor doing the modified cobra. Totally professional but hey, my clients can be pretty odd so they probably won't see anything wrong with tha!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Frustration Level: Orange

Over the past month, I have been suffering with low back pain and this does not make for ideal exercising conditions. In turn, my mind goes to the: well if I can't exercise, I might as well eat like crap, right? But I am fighting so hard not to go there. In fact I sent Warren's baptismal cake (is that actually something) with Niels to work just to get it out of our house! This morning, I arrived in my office late, as usual, to find the office vultures hovering over two boxes of birthday donuts. Rather than deprive myself and pig out, which I would have, I took a very small pumpkin spice donut and savored each bite. I know there are still some out there SCREAMING my name but I have the willpower to ignore their scrumptious cries. I have to remember my goals, right? Right!

Although my doctor told me to wait six weeks to see how my back healed, I called this morning anyway because Niels is leaving for Asia in less than three weeks and somehow I do not think horrendous lower back pain and caring for a large and in charge eleven month old mix. My hope is a prescription for breastfeeding safe muscle relaxers and a referral to a physical therapist. In the meantime, I will stare at my phone until my doctor calls.

Tomorrow I promise not to sound like an old lady complaining about her poor aching back and talk about Warren's wonderful weekend!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Shame on Me

Last night I intended to go to the gym and swim but my back hurt soooooo much that I skipped it and laid on my heating pad until the boys came home. I am a little mad at myself but instead of never going to the gym again, I am going tonight to swim after I have a massage. I know this is all so riveting. Veronica did not work out last night! Stop the presses! But man, my back hurt.

Between the massage and going to the gym, I will shop for a baptism/christening outfit for Warren. Sunday he will be baptized at an Episcopal Church and I have no idea what to have him wear. I have an issue with putting him in an all white suit or a christening gown. Both options seem weird to me. The white suit makes me think he's a pimp and the gown seems like something a small baby should wear. Warren will be eleven months and is so much more a little boy than a baby now. Hopefully I will be inspired by something I see and he will look appropriate for his baptism. Otherwise, we might be excommunicated!

Mouse Tales

I woke up at 5:10am this morning to "Holy fucking shit!" Jake hollaring to me up the stairs that our furry boys were after a mouse. I quickly ran down the back staircase in my t-shirt and undies, halting at the second to bottom step. Jake stood at the bottom peering into the kitchen narrating the chase for me. Then I bravely came down, bare toed, to his level and watched for myself. I was SO impressed! Even our little "pie maker" boy was in on the attack, delivering a clawless swat and punch here and there. Finally, they cornered the giante mouse and Jake grabbed a tupperware container and slapped it down on the floor, trapping the sucker. Woo-hoo!!! Then...somehow...I managed to go back to bed and woke up at 6:30 with the two boys curled up in my bed with me, so sweet an innocent looking. Such interesting animals. Anyhow, it was the first mouse sighting in our new house. A big fat one too!

Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat... I am so fat! I'm gaining weight. How can that be?!?! I've been doing so well all week and yet I've gained weight since we started the Life of Moderation. You know how sometimes when you pig out for a few days the weight doesn't show up until like two or three days later? Well I'm really hoping that's the case here. We majorly pigged out last weekend and I didn't gain any weight Monday, but Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I have a little bit. I'm not really going to worry about keeping track until next weigh-in day, Monday. I did really well at my board meeting last night. They always have so many goodies; last night were chips, chocolate mints, homemade cookie platter, fudge, nuts, trailmix and popcorn. I did soooo well. I had a cup of black tea with no milk or sugar; I thought having that hot mug to hold onto would keep my hands busy as well as my tongue semi occupied. Then I broke down but just a little bit. I took two handfuls of trailmix. I tried my best to avoid the chocolate and dried fruit (sugar city!) in it, and ended up w/ two dried cherries, one plump raisin, and two M&Ms. On a scale of 1-10, how did I do?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


While chatting with Josephine, I remarked how I didn't think I was an elitist but I was socially awkward, quirky, and very set in my ways. Josephine is a HUGE elitist, just to let you know. Kidding! She's not. She's quite awesome, in fact. Anyway, I tried to type "cool" but it came out "coo" when we talked about how I couldn't be cool in front of a group of people. So then I decided that I could be coo, one letter short of cool. Are you coo with that?

Besides my random made up terms, I saw the doctor this morning for bad lower back pains. She recommended some exercises, heat, and Advil. Because I am a baby and my back still hurts, I plan on swimming after work tonight as a gentler exercise. Tomorrow a massage is in order. So far I think I am keeping in line with my diet. No cheating, no skipping exercise, and I made myself watch the Biggest Loser last night. I think my body imagine is a bit out of whack because I kept thinking I looked like the women who are in the high 200's. What does that mean? Is it low self-esteem on my part? I suppose it's better that I think I am bigger than thinking I'm thin and I don't need to lose weight. It's all coo.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Getting Married

I went to my mom's today during my lunch break to take a look at the quilt she is making for our wedding (Jake and I are getting married in the fall --major motivator for getting into shape!), which is a family tradition. I can say that now because my sister got married last summer and my mom made a quilt for her and Dave. The quilt layout is beautiful! And no, it is not paperclips and random office supplies like Veronica likes to dream. It's my all time favorite mountain landscape, a scene I've grown familiar with since childhood, and have a famous painting of in my kitchen. I loved it. I love the scene, the colors and the material patterns. It's going to be great and I hope our naughty cat (as opposed to our "pie maker" cat) doesn't shred it.

Then I happened to mention how Jake and I keep going round and around about how to celebrate with our out of town friends as well as local, yet more extended, friends and family. We're basically having a small wedding with just family, aunts/uncles, local and mutual friends. I think every single person on our list fits into one of those categories. In a way my mom was good at helping me brainstorm, but she ended up upsetting me by asking why we're getting married...and I didn't know how to answer. I knew I didn't like the question. She's always challenging me on the relationship front. She tells my sibs and me that she sees her role as one to challenge us on these choices, and then when it's all settled (which I think means, when the wedding is over) she'll be there to support us. So "challenger" now; "supporter" later. The thing is, I'd prefer a little of both now and later. I don't like the feeling of defending myself or my decision to marry Jake to her. It doesn't feel good. It feels soooo the opposite of being supported. Of course I also don't want a mother who goes along with everything and is ignorantly supportive.

It's been bugging me all afternoon. I shed a couple of tears on my drive back to the office. That only made me sleepier; I started the day off tired despite getting 8.5 hours of sleep. The tears I shed because I was frustrated having to defend Jake/me, not because I didn't have an answer. But why don't I have an answer? There is absolutely no good reason to get married today, unless simply you're a traditionalist, which is completely an ok reason. Am I a traditionalist? I don't think so. I do know I'd like to have a kid and I prefer the idea of being married to the coparent. I like committment, but if you're really committed you shouldn't need a document saying so...and even that document can be voided through divorce. Bottom line, I don't have a good answer but I know I want to marry Jake and I also know not a single thread of my DNA is afraid of it.

Hey, here's the positive thing though. Normally when my mom pisses me off I go straight to food! It's the one time that I truly am an emotional eater. She hurts my feelings. I eat. But today I just went back to work. I think I may have had a cup of herbal tea when I got back to my desk. Honestly, I did think about binging, but I didn't and it wasn't hard not to. That's only because I'm super focused right now because we're just starting our 2010 Life of Moderation. Hopefully by the next time she hurts my feelings I'll be well trained in Life of Moderation so I can rely on my new good habits.

...oh, by the way, I'm 201 today.

Day of Reckoning

194. There, I said it. I weigh 194 pounds. I did not bother to take my measurements because I know they will be equally atrocious. Besides being pregnant with Warren, I have never ever weighed this much. I am fat, obese, overweight, a lard bummed fatster. I could use the excuses like I ate too much because of the holidays or because Niels is leaving for five months or I have been having a not so pleasant bout of depression and anxiety or I had a baby but honestly, why bother? Excuses will not get me anywhere. I mean honestly, plenty of other folks face all sorts of adversity but do they pig out? No! So why should I be so special that I do?

Yesterday I began eating healthily. Even at Wegman's Grocery Store where greasy Chinese food invited me just a little closer for one small taste. I resisted! Instead, I stayed at the salad bar, examined the serving size, calories and assorted numbers, and ate in moderation. I stuck with the food I packed in my lunch and enjoyed eating healthy. I took small bites and really chewed my food. Also, I am using an application on my iPhone called Lose It! and I find it quite helpful because it keeps me honest. And trust me, I need someone or something to keep me honest in my battle to lose the bulk.

Besides eating well, I made my way to my fancy gym for some fancy working out. But have you ever felt like everywhere you turned you were surrounded by really skinny people? Or are you one of those thin people grimacing at my big white bum? Well in the locker room, everyone seemed to be that thin and that attractive. In fact, I waited for a tall, thin, attractive woman to finish her beauty routine next to the scale before I stepped on because I did not need to have her judging me in my imagination. I have to admit, I put the scale on 200 so I would feel a little better when I saw the numbers because at least I am not 5 foot 4 inches and over 200 pounds. Shallow, I know. There is a difference between being tall and over 200 and being short and over 200. Trust me on this one, there is.

Oh yeah, I did exercise. I used the elliptical machine for 20 minutes using the trainer setting where a pleasant avatar trainer told me what I great job I was doing and to slow down before I have a heart attack, fatty. Ok, he didn't say that but wouldn't it be funny if he did?

So here I am: overweight but motivated. I will do it this time. Why? Because, I have no excuses.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Boot Camp

I got a call from a fellow book club member tonight asking if I wanted to join the boot camp/weight loss competition at the downtown gym. With it comes full membership to the gym for the six weeks of the program. Tempting. But I think I'll go with the boot camp/personal training at my regular gym with my gym buddy because I know from past experience it shows results. Maybe my book club friend will join our PT too!

In the beginning

In the beginning, there were two women and they were great. However, they had some things they wanted to changed about themselves, both inside and out. Ergo, we created "The Resolutionary Diaries" to chronicle our battle with weight, staying sane, dealing with spouses (mine) going on sabbatical far away for a long(ish) time, getting married, and having children among other issues. By the way, we know "resolutionary" is not an actual word. It's our attempt at wordplay, you know, revolutionary?

My name is Veronica (not really but you do not need to know who I actually am). I married a science geek, Niels (also not his real name), seven and a half years ago and we had a little boy almost a year ago. The little boy, we will call him Warren, is truly an awesome person. And no, I am not biased. Ask my fellow blogger, Josephine (not her real name, see the pattern!), she will tell you. Both of us are of the legal profession persuasion and Josephine actually likes it. Almost five years after being in practice, which truly it is, I still don't know if this is what I want to do forever and ever. My profession will be of much discussion in other posts. So bottom line, if you want to join us in our journey to better ourselves, and better yourself in the process, then read along. We welcome comments but please be nice. I can be sarcastic so don't take everything I write literally.

Tuesdays will be Our Day of Disclosure where we share our weight, measurements, etc. If you want to put in your weight in the comments every Tuesday, feel free too. We don't judge because, well, it would be wrong. And please don't worry, this blog won't only be about weight loss. I have my child to talk about, remember? WELCOME TO THE MOMMY BLOG!! Okay, again, it won't be just that either because Josephine doesn't have children yet. I've babbled enough. It's Monday morning, it snowed way too much, and Niels and I are trying the Ferber Method on Warren. Hopefully future posts will be more coherent but I wouldn't count on it if I were you!